Facing Fear and The Little Voice (Day 12)

‎"In many shamanic societies, if you went to the medicine person complaining of being disheartened, and depressed, they would ask four questions:

When did you stop dancing?

When did you stop singing?

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?

When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?"

When I was a child, I loved singing my little heart out.  I didn't care if my voice sounded great or not, I just sang and sang and sang.  My mother loved singing and my father still loves singing and it's from his side of the family where I must have inherited the love of music.  

I must confess I have stopped singing by myself with a carefree heart two decades ago, when I was but a wimpy kid who joined a singing contest.  I have always wanted to sing The Wizard of Oz theme Somewhere Over The Rainbow but since my classmate beat me to it, I had to choose another song instead.  I sang Getting To Know You from The King And I but I was not really into it, it wasn't really my cup of tea.  

When I was thrust on the stage, I felt an extreme dose of fear, a kind of fear I have never felt before; I wanted to pee in my pants but I knew I shouldn't!  It was such a jolly song but I, stricken with monstrous stage fright, just stood there and looked like a singing pillar, looking straight at my father who was in the crowd.  I knew that he believed I could have done better because I did sing better at home.  The sight of the crowd just made me feel like I was about to be devoured by wolves thus my performance was not at par with my classmates', who handled crowd exposure better than I did.  That was the end of me singing solo.  From then on, whenever I sang in public, it was when I sang with a group so I wouldn't be too conspicuous.

Today, I had to face the challenge of breaking down that wall of stage fright once again.  I have never "performed" solo for the longest time and since I really needed to do it, I did.  I didn't sing a song but I had to lead the chanting of mantras.  I was supposed to lead it with another person but since he didn't show up, I had to do it solo.  The good thing is that the lights were dim and the "crowd" had their eyes closed, I didn't need to worry about looking ridiculous.  Hahahaha! I can't say if the "performance" was great but I knew in my heart I did it in the name of service, everything else doesn't matter.  

I have told my little voice to shut up for so many years I must say I really need to apologize to it for making it mute.  Now that I have unleashed it from the dungeon where I kept it, it must learn to wander free and grow into a bigger voice so it will serve its true purpose.  I am grateful for being given the opportunity to set that little voice free.  Now my heart's songs will not end up in mud puddles, but will have better chances of being heard by more receptive souls.